4 men and a child were traveling from france in a audi quattro to england. when they reached dover after coming of the ferry they were stopped by a police man.
"im sorry, i must stop uz their, only 4 people can travel in a audi quattro, its the law" sais the police man
"that a lot of p*sh" one of the men sais
"am sorry but 1 of uz will need to get out of the car, i cant let uz go any further unless u do so"sais the police man.
"ok,am not takin this i wanna speak to ur boss right away,ok,"sais another of the men
"i warn u that my boss is very mean and dosent like ppl who annoy him. i must tell uz all again that only 4 people can travel in a audi quattro"sais the police man.
"i dont care what he is and what u say i wanna speak to him NOW"the man sais angrily.
"ok"
the police man gets his radio out and calls his boss and tells him the poroblem and that only 4 ppl can travel in the audi quattro.,His boss replies

"IM VERY BUSY THE NOW THERE IS 4 PPL IN A FIAT UNO"






dont no if uz will find that funny but i thought it was hillarius

Once I figure out what a Fiat Uno is, I'll probably get it. I know it's a car, but I've never seen one.

I dun get it

I didn't know what it was either so I searched and here's what I found:
Fiat Uno
It's hideous.

Small car... It looks like it can hold 4 people..... But then again, the total weight limit for a Ford Excursion is only 800 pounds (at least that's what the owner's guide said)... and that's only 4 200 pound people!

LOL,well u dont really need to no wt it looks like

ok it wasent a funny joke but this is what i was ment to be saying if u dident get it



the police officers were going by the name of the car, with the number of ppl

5 ppl in a audi quattro(4)
3 ppl in a fiat uno(1)

sorry ppl
ill get a funnier 1 the next time

Ahhhh... I got it now. I didn't look at the spanish side of things...

Ah, it just hit me.
Thanks for explanation. Just as GTX mentioned, I was guilty of the same thing (is there a better way of phrasing that?).

dunno mayb its just 1 of those jokes that has to be said

Probably.

When I read over it again with the meaning in mind, it accually sounded a bit funny

try this CLICK HERE

ive heard better but not bad

I saw that one awhile ago... funny the first time, but not after that.

How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

those are all old jokes....

well cry me a river reza .............

ooooooooooooooooookaaay!

well im waitin...............

Pharmacist Phun

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

==============================================

Mommy and "Uncle" Frank

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

I've heard the second one before, but it's still good



They're both good

1st one better than 2nd one

How about this one?...
Lipstick At School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
====

From Cradle To Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

lol i like em both.............not hilarious......but good

I liked the second one better

haha, 2nd one was good. Thats quite the test.

i dont think the mother is coming to tea again

School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

lol some parents are dumb as

You might have seen some of these before, but it's cute, so it's going around again!

THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

THE THIRD AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue! , "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you!!

I am sure this deserves being pinned, c'mon funny jokes, geek humour... notice the connection?

Thread pinned

I read those 4 affair ones. All good

i like the fourth one

lol..i like the first one...reminds me of my mom...if you lie she knows it...if you tell the truth she thinks your lying

That's why you perfect the art of lying.... but that get's you in even more trouble if you're caught. But, if you're perfect, you won't get caught. But, nobody's perfect, right?

except for me

Heh. my little brother told me this the other day....

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other cow and says "have you heard about that mad cow disease going around?" The other cow says "yeah. makes me glad i'm a penguin."

lol, silly but funny

Makes no sense... but somehow still funny

it does make sense.. the cow is obviously suffering from dual personalities and tha's funny, cause cows don't get that... right JP?

lol...you ppl try to make this sooo difficult...

Entry Word: mad
Function: adjective
Text: 1
Synonyms INSANE 1, ||batty, cracked, crazy, daft, demented, deranged, lunatic, non compos mentis, unbalanced
Related Word delirious, frantic, frenetic, furious, rabid, wild

batty? I don't know about the US but that is a huge insult in NZ, ofcourse it doesn't mean mad in NZ

I still don't get the filato joke

neither do I, I guess there are somethings in life you just need to let go off... this being the perfect example,

What was the joke again?

this is green jokes, have fun reading....
Joke # 1
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

Joke # 2
OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I
can even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.

Joke # 3
2 employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by the
guard.

GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.

Joke # 4
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he
looks like the neighbour, that's sociology.

Joke # 5
Q: Define Impotence?
A: It's nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"

Joke # 6
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Joke # 7
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!

Joke # 8
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Joke # 9
Boy 1: why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will
turn to stone, and a part of me was already getting hard!!

Joke # 10
A camel and an elephant met.
The elephant asked the camel
Why do u have your breasts on your back?
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies ..
What a silly question from someone who has a **** on his face!

I read this whole thread just now and the one that I thought was kind of funny was...

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

-As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

-What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

-E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

-This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

-Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

-Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

-We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

-One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)